Here is my thesis. It's not perfect, obviously. But I did feel rather proud for a couple of minutes.
Monday 15 April 2013
It's been a long time since I posted anything. But then, a lot has happened in the past couple of months. If I am to be slightly dramatic, I would say that the life I had imagined for myself has been turned upside down. The job I was promised is no more due to ''internal restructuring'' that is going to take place at the company. And it took them a good 3 months to let me know that once they had informed me of my ''selection''. So, now I am left with nothing, and the quiet euphoria/relief of the past 3-4 months has been replaced by a slightly damaging mental state. I have my exams next week - the last set of exams I will be giving in my life - and all I am concerned about now is landing an interview from somewhere. That's all I need. Thousands of people apply for work online, and the probability of getting an interview is.....let's not go there, shall we? I have never been so badly prepared for any exams - even by my own standards. Things are bound to get ugly.
The only positive in the last month and a half has been the completion of my thesis. Submitted it last week, and I was particularly happy with my efforts, though I forgot to edit out two particular lines. Hope that does not prove to be too damaging. But yes, it came out well.
I am incredibly angry right now. Have been for some time. There is an element of hopelessness, a strand of disappointment, a nagging fear. But one has to keep trying, isn't it? Keep trying till.....something happens.
This is the problem when you exude confidence normally. You are not allowed to show what it's really like in your head. A victim of your own virtues, if you consider confidence a virtue.
I don't know if this is the time to question what you really want to do with your life, in terms of how you define happiness/satisfaction. I have no problem in joining the rat race. However, do I really want it? I have given it a lot of thought. Probably more than I should have. I have some answers, yes. I won't air them though. Not yet. Not because I am scared, but because there are some things that you don't talk about. Not even to random strangers on the internet. It's essential that you don't disclose everything about yourself. As Holden Caulfield said, don't tell anybody anything, or you'll start missing everybody. Not that I haven't told anybody anything, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
I hate it right now. Absolutely hate it. The past month has been rubbish for various reasons. Too many to recount. Have to take things as they come, one at a time.
I might have an interview tomorrow. Will find out about it in the morning. It pays a third of what I would have gotten had I not been ''restructured'' - I hate that word. Can't afford to give it a miss though. Not in the position I am in.
So, here is my to-do list:
Tackle interview.
Prepare for 4 papers by the 20th of this month, and make sure that I can maintain/improve my 65%+ average.
Get a job.
That looks like a pretty small list, doesn't it? Scarily small.
The only positive in the last month and a half has been the completion of my thesis. Submitted it last week, and I was particularly happy with my efforts, though I forgot to edit out two particular lines. Hope that does not prove to be too damaging. But yes, it came out well.
I am incredibly angry right now. Have been for some time. There is an element of hopelessness, a strand of disappointment, a nagging fear. But one has to keep trying, isn't it? Keep trying till.....something happens.
This is the problem when you exude confidence normally. You are not allowed to show what it's really like in your head. A victim of your own virtues, if you consider confidence a virtue.
I don't know if this is the time to question what you really want to do with your life, in terms of how you define happiness/satisfaction. I have no problem in joining the rat race. However, do I really want it? I have given it a lot of thought. Probably more than I should have. I have some answers, yes. I won't air them though. Not yet. Not because I am scared, but because there are some things that you don't talk about. Not even to random strangers on the internet. It's essential that you don't disclose everything about yourself. As Holden Caulfield said, don't tell anybody anything, or you'll start missing everybody. Not that I haven't told anybody anything, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
I hate it right now. Absolutely hate it. The past month has been rubbish for various reasons. Too many to recount. Have to take things as they come, one at a time.
I might have an interview tomorrow. Will find out about it in the morning. It pays a third of what I would have gotten had I not been ''restructured'' - I hate that word. Can't afford to give it a miss though. Not in the position I am in.
So, here is my to-do list:
Tackle interview.
Prepare for 4 papers by the 20th of this month, and make sure that I can maintain/improve my 65%+ average.
Get a job.
That looks like a pretty small list, doesn't it? Scarily small.
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